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From tamsun!news.utdallas.edu!wupost!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!rpi!batcomputer!munnari.oz.au!metro!mama!simon Fri Feb 7 13:17:14 CST 1992
Article: 15815 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!news.utdallas.edu!wupost!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!rpi!batcomputer!munnari.oz.au!metro!mama!simon
From: simon@research.canon.oz.au (Simon Walmsley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Which language is right for you (repost by request)
Message-ID: <1992Jan28.013127.12014@research.canon.oz.au>
Date: 28 Jan 92 01:31:27 GMT
Organization: Canon Information Systems Research Australia
Lines: 105
Which language is right for you?
--------------------------------
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the
competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
6502:
You shoot yourself in the foot.
68000:
You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you
hang yourself.
Z80, 8080...:
You foot yourself in the shoot.
Ada:
The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you
a blindfold and a last cigarette.
APL:
GN </ FT ^ BLT
BASIC (interpreted):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg
is waterlogged and falls off.
BASIC (compiled):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile
launcher.
C:
You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out
what you did.
C++:
You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL:
USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO
HIP.HOLSTER.
csh:
After searching the manual until your foot fall asleep, you shoot
the computer and switch to C.
dBase:
You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the
next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
shoot bullets.
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing
was anticipated.
Modula-2:
You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
occam:
You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.
ORCA/C:
Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
Pascal:
Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
gun and your hand is blown off.
Pascal:
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot
is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
PL/I:
After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data
processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes
and drops the original on your foot.
Prolog (interpreted):
Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age
before the bullet leaves the gun.
Prolog (compiled):
The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting
you in the foot, but it replies "No."
Smalltalk, Actor:
After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming
manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol:
Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simon Walmsley | simon@research.canon.oz.au
Canon Information Systems Research Australia | Phone +61-2-805-2918
PO Box 313 North Ryde NSW 2113 | Fax +61-2-805-2929
From tamsun!bcm!rice!uw-beaver!zephyr.ens.tek.com!uunet!news.larc.nasa.gov!dagger.larc.nasa.gov!hazari Fri Feb 7 13:32:14 CST 1992
Article: 16135 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!bcm!rice!uw-beaver!zephyr.ens.tek.com!uunet!news.larc.nasa.gov!dagger.larc.nasa.gov!hazari
From: ray@nmsb.larc.nasa.gov
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Which language is right for you
Message-ID: <1992Jan31.034359.4473@news.larc.nasa.gov>
Date: 31 Jan 92 03:43:59 GMT
References: <1992Jan28.013127.12014@research.canon.oz.au>
Sender: news@news.larc.nasa.gov (USENET Network News)
Organization: NASA Langley Research Center, Hampton, VA USA
Lines: 60
Originator: hazari@dagger.larc.nasa.gov
In article <1992Jan28.013127.12014@research.canon.oz.au> simon@research.canon.oz.au (Simon Walmsley) writes:
>Which language is right for you?
>--------------------------------
> [Stuff deleted]
Here's another list that I found.
----------------------------------
How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult
to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a
public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a
moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
at everyone in sight.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical
care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise
copies and which are just pointing at the others and
saying, "That's me, over there."
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand
you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers,
"Shoot at his feet."
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish
anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh,
csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend
five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then
shoot the computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and
windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot,
takes away your workstation, and makes you develop COBOL
on a character terminal.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but
you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand
what the hell happened.
-------------------------------------------------------------
/ Ray Balister / Don't use the return address /
/ ray@nmsb.larc.nasa.gov / shown above. It may be wrong /
-------------------------------------------------------------
/ First came the churches, then came the schools, /
/ Then came the Lawyers, then came the rules. /
/ - Mark Knofler /
-------------------------------------------------------------